Happy Diwali!!!

Wuddup Everyone

Happy Diwali!!!! Woot Woot

Now if you don’t know what Diwali is, don’t worry! It’s OK if you’re clueless. I don’t know what Halloween signifies. As far as I’m concerned, it could be the graduation of Pumpkins.


Dear Non desi folk, do you always wonder why your desi neighbors never take down their Christmas lights? It’s because tonight, we turn our Christmas lights ‘on’ to celebrate Diwali, the “Festival of Lights”

Balle Balle!!

Yes it’s the festival of lights. The first and last time in a year that desi people don’t care about their electricity bill. Our lights are ‘ON’, we light candles, we do the firework things, we take little clay pots, decorate them in jazzy colors, throw some oil in that, take some cotton, stretch it like dahlsim, throw that in that in the clay pot, like it on fire and go like “Morey Piya… Ab aaja re morey piya”

Diwali is also a tradition. It is a tradition to clean the whooole entire effin’ house on Diwali. And I’m not talking about how you boys think cleaning goes like spraying some deodorant, wearing yesterday’s underwear inside-out  and calling it a day…. Ummmm NO! I mean a thorough cleaning, like drawers, closets, rooms, kitchens, pots, pans everything! It’s like giving your house a shower but not that kind of rushed shower where you clean your pits, jump outta the shower and call it a day. You have to get into the tooi (butt) of your house and clean it in all directions…guess in this situation One Direction doesn’t make you beautiful because your mom will hit you in the face with her chappal (shoes).

And I think, one fine morning; a group of Indian parents got together, The Indian Parents Association and said,

Parent 1: “Today, is the phestival of lights, how should vee celebrate?”

Parent 2: “Why don’t we make kids clean room?”

Parent 1: “Dass very good idea!”

I’m onto your little games OK. You ain’t fooling me!

On Diwali, we get to eat so many awesome sweets which we call mithaai or as you non desi folk would say, ‘mathaai’

“Let’s have some goolab jaamins with some laadus shall we? With a side of some chat papri Haha!”

One of my favorite sweets is Dilbahaar.It’s a round sweet with a little line going through it, looks like a Butt crack ;)YUM!!! So effin’ good

Lemme know what your favorite mathaai is

Is it the Rassgoola? Maybe it’s the Barfee. That’s not a very appetizing name

If you don’t like Barfi, maybe I should just kick you in the chittars (Underwear)

And get this, on Diwali,kids get MONEY!!! WHAAAAAAT?!

I get money. Sweet effin’ deal. WOKAY!

I just grab the 20 and I’m like, “Ok, I’ve got so many people to thank. Thomas Edison, I see you baby, created the light bulb to my dreams.”

“I gotta thank the lightning. Thor! Where you at? All natural tings man.” “It’s all about you bro. Who cares about the rest of the Loki?” 😉 😉

But real talk man, Happy Diwali everyone (belated actually, but whatevs). Without lights, we wouldn’t have raves.

Think about it, without lights, we wouldn’t have birthday candles. My desi parents already don’t know their age. So if it weren’t for candles on the cake, they’d be totally lost.

Me: “Dad, when is your birthday?”

Dad: “Mera Birthday? Umm… paper pet oh Sitambar hai. Sachhi wals toh pata nahi. January main? Nahi nahi who New Year hai. October? Nahi nahi, who tera Birthday hai… Why you asking dumb question? Go clean your room”

(“My Birthday?! Umm… on paper, it’s September. Real one, I don’t know. Is it January? No no, that New Year. October? No that’s your birthday… Why do you ask me such dumb questions? Go clean your room.”)

Me: “So dad, how old are you turning?”

Dad: “Umm pata nahi. 55, 54… Umm… 60 shaayad”

(Umm… I don’t know. 54,55…Umm… maybe 60.”)

Most importantly, without lights, we wouldn’t have ‘lite brite’

*Moment of silence for Lite Brite*

So let’s celebrate Diwali, the festival of lights by doing the only thing that makes sense to desi kids, teenagers, uncles and aunties alike… Dancing and eating oily, greasy but delicious food and mithaai.

So Happy Diwali everyone and Happy belated Deepavali to all my Tamil folk. Cheers to us for adding extra letters and making everything longer and more complicated than it already it.


Hope you had as much fun reading this article as I had, writing it.

Like and comment below as I would love to know your opinion and feedback

Hope you have a day as amazing as you are




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